Katy was a magnetic, high-spirited manager who was well-liked by everyone in the office. I knew from the moment I saw her that we could totally be friends. But in an effort to “be professional,” I kept my distance. It was my third day of work as a writer in a small marketing agency, and I was unsure about the culture or how friendly I could be from the get-go.

For the first few weeks, I declined every lunch and post-work invite — not just from Katy, but from anyone who asked. Unsurprisingly, I began to feel increasingly isolated. I was missing out on opportunities to really connect with the people around me.

So many thoughts crossed my mind: What if I ended up sharing too much? What if I did make a friend, and the relationship became draining and affected my work?

As a relationship and health educator, I often see my clients struggle with this same reluctance. While this issue spans generations, it can be especially top-of-mind for people early in their careers, who are unsure of how to develop friendships with coworkers as they navigate a new and unfamiliar environment. What’s even more difficult is forming real friendships, those that last years after you’ve left the company.

If you’re struggling to develop genuine friendships at work, here are a few things you can do to improve your situation.

Change Your Mindset

We spend an average of 90,000 hours at work during our lifetime. It takes 90 to 200 hours to form a deep friendship, and surveys suggest that the workplace is where adults are most likely to make friends. Moreover, having friends at work can act as a motivator and increases your overall engagement.

For me, as some time went by and I got more comfortable in my job, I gave myself permission to get to know Katy beyond a colleague. Over time we began sharing jokes, supporting each other on rough days, and spending time together on the weekends. Soon, I found that I looked forward to coming into work, and I was excited to have formed a genuine friendship with someone new.

If you’ve identified someone at your job who you seem to “click” with, the first step is to change your mindset. Try not to overthink all that could go wrong, but instead, see it as an opportunity to elevate your experience at work. Once you’re ready, follow these five steps to develop a friendship safely and gradually.

Step 1: Offer gestures that say, “I see you.”

Large group meetings and remote work can offer a level of anonymity that makes it challenging to get to know anyone personally. While you can’t befriend everyone, there may be someone who stands out above others as a true potential friend. Finding ways to make your potential friend feel “seen” can be the first step toward cultivating an actual friendship.

Gen Z might be especially appreciative of these gestures, as data shows they’re more likely than older workers to experience a decline in feeling cared about at work. Showing healthy and appropriate interest in your coworker beyond their professional identity can open doors to conversations that allow you to connect more deeply.

Try this: Think of ways you can demonstrate a genuine interest. You might try sending them a message after a meeting to comment on an idea they shared or a question they posed to the group: “Thanks for asking that question during the meeting. I was curious about the same thing but was too nervous to ask!” or “The idea you presented is so fresh. You always have really unique strategies.” You can even try asking them for a recommendation: “I loved hearing about your experience learning Ikebana. I think I need to pick up a new hobby. Any suggestions? What other hobbies have you explored?”  The subtext of each of these messages? “I see you.”

Step 2: Highlight your similarities.

Research suggests that we like people who are like us. It’s called homophily, and it’s a simple but necessary ingredient in the friend-making process. In a time when the workforce is highly multi-generational and young workers are highly intersectional, it can be useful to uncover common ground, and then verbally acknowledge the ways in which we are the same despite our unique differences. This can increase feelings of fondness toward one another. Gen Z workers are also shown to highly value feelings of relatability.

Try this: Take note of how often you emphasize differences with your potential friend, even if playfully. Instead, try to seize opportunities to highlight the things you have in common. This could be anything from your interests to your worldviews. Make it a point to say, “Me, too!” Maybe your new potential friend prefers watching television to reading. Instead of saying, “Ugh, I’m not much of a TV person,” you might ask about their favorite genre. If they like watching historical fiction while you enjoy reading historical fiction, focus on that.

Step 3: Create a casual ritual.

While the majority of your interactions may take place in a group setting (think “all hands” meetings and department-wide email threads), personal relationships might be more quickly and authentically formed one on one, when there’s less pressure to conform to group dynamics.

Try this: Create a recurring check-in that feels unique to the two of you. If you’re newly obsessed with the same reality television show, perhaps you agree to debrief on Monday mornings before your team meeting. If you have both had your eye on the new bestseller, invite your potential friend to read a few chapters a week and discuss over lunch breaks.

Step 4: Say the quiet part aloud.

After you’ve spent some time bonding over your shared interests and you’re beginning to see your coworker as a new potential friend, the next step might be to simply say so. Not only do we like people who are like us, but research also suggests that we like people who like us. So if you’re enjoying having someone who you can laugh with and talk to, it might help to let them know.

Try this: After sharing a belly laugh or discovering yet another commonality, offer something that verbally affirms the value this person adds to your life. You might say something like, “It’s so nice meeting someone who appreciates _____ as much as I do,” or “Working here would not be the same without you!” or “It’s so nice getting to know you for who you are outside of just your role here at the company.” Affirming the relationship strengthens the relationship.

Step 5: Spend time together outside of work context.

Once you’ve taken the time to establish trust and gradually gotten to know one another, the next natural step would be to spend time together outside of work. Changing the social backdrop upon which you normally interact with someone allows you to see others in a new way, and it gives us practice being friends outside of work.

Try this: Start small by suggesting that you two take walks during lunch. Eventually you can elevate your invitation to a space and time that’s a complete departure from a professional context. You’ll want to make hanging out as easy as possible, so be mindful of barriers like long commutes, budget-busting dinners, or alcohol-centered activities. Perhaps you might enjoy a small appetizer at a nearby restaurant immediately after work, or a one-hour bookstore meet-up on the weekend to see if they have that new bestseller in stock. Be specific in your invitation, including the date, time, and duration to increase the chances of hearing “yes.”

. . .

As long as you remain committed to any boundaries that might be necessary to ensure everyone’s comfort and safety, growing a friendship with someone you work with can feel like a natural transition, and add value to your life. It worked for me and Katy seven years ago. While neither of us is still working at the agency where we first met, we became close friends and are still in each other’s lives today. And I’m so glad we are.